People make structure out of chaos. That’s what our highly developed brains are supposed to do. It’s our one weapon for survival in this dangerous place we call home. We have no fur to keep us warm when temperatures drop, we are slow-moving, we have no defensive weapons, we basically have our brains, opposable thumbs, and the ability to stand on our hind legs which is a minus when it comes to speed, but a plus in other areas. So we are clever. We survive by sorting through the events that happen all around us and seeing patterns and structure, by figuring out the cause and thereby avoiding the effect, or being the cause and directing the effect.
But being clever, sometimes we outwit ourselves. What if the structure we have made, the identity we have created for ourselves is wrong? What happens when it becomes outdated? What happens when we cling to what we know but what we know no longer is the cause and effect we live in? This is what happens when children from abusive homes become adults. The identity that they created for themselves out of their world, that they are a survivor, a victim, and that the world is a dangerous and possibly deadly place that can only be trusted to betray them, is what they carry into a world that has changed. Most humans are not inherently un-trustworthy and to find a partner or a friend who is trustworthy, one must be able to trust. But how to do so when the structure of your life demands that everyone be untrustworthy because that is what you know?
What happens is these boundaries, this identity that the person has learned changes from being an effect of their family of origin to the cause of how their life is lived as an adult. Because they do not trust, because they expect to be a victim, they direct all their actions towards that end and so everyone around them responds to it. In order to stop that cycle they have to move beyond the boundaries they have created. Remove the structure that says they are a victim to become something else. But oh how we hold onto our identities. It is seemingly the only thing unique to us that we can control in this world of chaos. But we are much stronger and more resilient than that. We won’t die if we release our old identity to the winds and watch it blow away. Being vulnerable doesn’t necessarily mean bad things will come. We are our intrinsic selves regardless of the boundaries we have created for ourselves. Move beyond the and see what you can see. Try being something new. Wonder awaits.
