What we think is best, right, good, valuable, or precious is not always similar to how other people see these things. And this is one of the things that can hurt us the most. It can be the most damaging to relationships, but not necessarily in the way you might think. I mean, it’s obvious that when someone doesn’t value you anymore your relationship is more than likely over. People have been howling along to country western songs about this since….well…way too long, if you ask me. But you didn’t so we’ll continue…ahem…
No, it’s when we are at our most well meaning that things get screwed up. Because we think we’re doing the right thing and we think we know what the other person wants or needs, or even more perilously, we think we know what is best for them. And so we act without communicating that. We ask without asking. We act on what is really important to us and find that it’s not really important to that other person. We give them the heirloom that came from Great Uncle Henry and they sell it on Ebay. We pay off their bills to help them get on their feet again and they go gambling with all the ‘free money’ they now have and end up in the same amount of debt they had before. We buy them new clothes and they give them to their children or grandchildren who ‘need them more’.
It’s a harsh way to find out about a person’s values. To find out that the situation they are in isn’t happenstance, but choice. To find out that what you love they don’t care about and vice versa. It can be heart breaking. But like words spoken in anger, it is earth shatteringly true. And relationships can change because of it. Not necessarily because of a boundary or a resolution, but for the sheer fact that who they are isn’t who you thought. And hopefully, as Maya Angelou says so eloquently, “The first time people show you who they are, believe them.” It’s also sometimes harsh to find out about your own values. To realize that you weighted your own choices above theirs and that you acted without asking, taking away part of their free will. It can be harder, but it is rarely less painful to do this in the opposite way. Ask first, act second. In the end it will at least help you avoid taking action where none is wanted.
